


Memory

by Sharouz



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Amnesia, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Goat Hybrid Toby Smith | Tubbo, Manipulative Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Memories, Memory Loss, Platonic Soulmates, Ranboo-centric (Video Blogging RPF)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:21:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29820024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharouz/pseuds/Sharouz
Summary: Ranboo is lost. There are people around him that help him get back on the path, but eventually he always strays. He's got to do this on his own. He's got to fight his mind on his own.Sometimes he lets the beast out. One day he'll be in control."If you hadn't been there since the beginning, you won't be there until the end.""You don't know that.""You don't either."
Kudos: 50





	1. notebook

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! this is my first fic here. i just wanted to write something about Ranboo's character - i find it incredibely interesting, complex and just... raw in its emotions? hope you enjoy!

He hesitated before opening his inventory. What was it that made him feel that way? There was nothing to be afraid of, right? It's just a book. Just a notebook.

Just a notebook.

The title 'Do not read' illuminated the faint light of the moon that got inside the panic room. Leather cover was still somewhat warm from being held tightly for the last few hours, even though it had spent the journey from Techno's to the room in the inventory. Some parts were in a really bad condition and Ranboo's claws were the one to blame. I should get that fixed. Maybe Techno's villagers can do something about it. 

He opened the book on the first page.

The smiley face gave him an innocent look. But Ranboo knew better.

The ink was still fresh. It always was, everytime he opened the notebook, as if it was being rewritten every day, without him knowing. But that's impossible - ever since the tragedy that was the Festival and the revelation of his doings - his so-called betrayal - Ranboo held onto it like a maniac. As weird as it may sound, he couldn't remember the last time he let go of it. 

Yet the ink was fresh. Little droplets rolled down the page without leaving a trace behind. Ranboo rose a finger of his right hand and carefully touched one of the spots. Ink sticked to the skin; it seemed slimey and acted like it when the hand moved. 

"Hello."

His head sprang up and he nervously looked around the room. Nothing changed - the signs and their inscriptions were there, up on the walls; his wolf lay in the entrance and sipped on the flowing water, his cats were roaming back and forth, meowing and looking anxious. Pets - any animals, actually - picked up his moods very easily. Especially Enderchest - Ranboo could see all that's going through her mind in her eyes. He would love to pick her up and just hold her tightly, but he was in a way worse condition than her.

"You're back. Again," he murmured. The tension in his arms slightly lowered when he accepted the voice's reappearance. He felt hopeless.

"I am." It sounded as if Dream was happy about that. Happy to haunt him for another day. "I'm actually glad to hear you again, Ranboo."

"It pains me to tell you the feeling's not mutual," he snorted, leaning his head back on the wall behind him, "and why do you say that? Aren't you in my head all the time?"

"I don't know. Am I? Am I not a part of your mind?"

They sounded amused. Ranboo held his head in his hands. I suppose. I hate you. "W-well, can you hear my thoughts?"

"Hm... It depends..." He didn't believe it - something in Dream's tone sounded off. Different. Gave the slightest bit of hope. "I think it happened only... once, if I recall correctly. When we, heh," they chuckled lightly, "when we first met."

"So after you blew up L'manberg?"

"Well, I-... I'm not Dream, am I? But I suppose, yes. After that."

"When was it? When... did you hear my thoughts?" He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

"When you were panicking, of course," another slight chuckle, "just as you started to black out and were murmuring 'I don't know' all the time. You started making those creepy enderman noises. Both with your mouth and inside your head." There was a quick pause and the voice didn't seem to be very happy with recalling the upcoming part of the story. "That's when I managed to hear your thoughts. Somehow. Whatever you were thinking at that time, I couldn't understand it though. It was either in Enderman or something else; some language I've never heard."

The silence that followed was thick and full of tension. For once Ranboo wished that the voice said something, just to fill the void with words. He shivered, but not because he was cold.

"What's that other side of you, by the way?" Dream's tone was back on being mysterious and inquisitive with a slight pinch of cheerfulness. "A ghast?"

"Definetly not," he wasn't sure why he answered; why he was participating in a conversation with a creation that has been hauting him for the past week. Maybe it's wise to know something about your opponent from a normal talk. 

"Then what? An angry wolf? A strider? Come on, you must..."

"I don't know, Dream!" He suddenly snapped, angry with how intrusive the voice became. He rose up to his feet and began pacing around the room, his fists once clenched, once relaxed. Enderchest, Enderpearl and Jefrey bundled in a corner, giving their owner concerned looks. The wolf whined quietly from its spot by the entrence. "Why are you asking me those questions?! And even if I knew," he stopped and made gestures like if he was talking to a real person standing in front of him, "why would i tell you? Maybe I wouldn't even remember?!"

He came down to his knees and stared blankly at the obsidian. "Maybe I wouldn't remember..." he whispered on the brink of breaking.

"Don't call me that."

"Wh-"

"Don't call me Dream," the tone shifted, carried more resentment within. If Ranboo could see the voice with his own eyes, he would probably see them tense up and go into defensive state, "I'm not real, remember?" they tried to sound playful but it didn't go very well.

"But you are real," Ranboo opposed, voice weak and low, "I'm afraid you're just as real as I am," he grabbed his arms tightly, not really feeling the pain when his claws buried into his skin. Sounds his pets were making were muffled and incoherent. He shook his head lightly, "If my mind is real and you're in it, you're real."

He took a big, shaky breath as his grip on his arms tightened. 

"You're like a disease, Dream," sudden force came through his voice and Ranboo found himself looking up and letting the rage flow through him. It was like icy-cold water replaced his blood. He wanted to anger the voice, to take them off guard.

"Oh, come on..."

"No, you are! I've had a flu before and you know what I did? I got rid of it! It took some time and medicine, but once it was gone, it never came back." He could feel the growl growing in his stomach, his enderman habits screaming to be set free. He'll allow it. He could already feel the change in his voice as he continued, "I'm going to get rid of you just like I did with the flu." His claws started growing, sinking a little deeper into his skin. 

"I don't think you will, Ranboo," Dream opposed. 

"How so?"

"I'm a part of your mind, remember? You can't get rid of yourself. I'm afraid... I'm afraid we're gonna be stuck like this until, well..."

"That's where you're wrong, I think," with all the strenght he had left, he repressed his habits from taking control. That strain made him tremble, "because I don't remember you being in my head before last week. Memories from my childhood are all foggy but I can clearly recall your. Absolute. Absence." Carefully, without waking any of his pets up - they all managed to fall asleep during his inner conversation - he crawled into the empty corner of the room. He lay down facing the wall. "If you hadn't been there since the beginning, you won't be there until the end."

"You don't know that," Dream objected harshly.

"You don't either."

No response came. Ranboo could feel himself losing it, falling into the half of him that was an angry beats. He wasn't sure for how much longer he would be able to talk with the voice before there would be no more Ranboo. He tried to hold tightly onto the reality.

But that desperate grip was weak.

"I don't like your mood changes, you know," the voice said. And then left.

Ranboo gasped - he could feel them not be in his mind anymore. What is happening?

He covered his mouth with his hands, watching so as not to poke his eyes out with his claws, and let the beast out.

* * *

Something coarse licked his face and bits of his disheveled hair. Another something nudged his legs, then jumped onto them - he must have let go of his knees when he blacked out. Sounds slowly became clearer as he regained his consciousness.

His vision suddenly came back and he was immediately blinded by the brightness in the room. He rose one of his arms up to cover his face and allow himself to adjust to the light. What time is it? Moving caused pain and the reason behind it wasn't a riddle. He slowly sat up and looked around.

All three of his cats jumped onto his lap, asking for attention. He smiled weakly, allowing them to nudge his hands, rub their heads on his knees and do other cat stuff. They helped him forget what happened before he blacked out, even if just for a moment. He reached over to give his wolf a scratch as well. The touch of fur under his skin felt nice, comforting.

"I hope I didn't scare you guys," he mumbled weakly, looking at the pets, "I really hope I didn't."

Even if he did remember something from when his enderman side took over, the memory of that remained blurry for now. His throat ached and so did his arms - the first one was probably caused by the "angry noises", as others would say, that he made. But he couldn't make out what happened to his arms. He took off his tuxedo and unbottoned his shirt. The holes in the clothing served as enough of an explanation.

He looked at the cuts his claws left, at how deep into his skeen they'd sunk, with little to no surprise. Of course. Now I remember. Only a few of the wounds were still bleeding - one side leaving red markings, one side - more greenish. "There's nothing I can do about it now anyway," he murmured as he put his clothes back on. Slowly, he rose up and headed towards the exit. "I'll see you guys soon." 

He felt bad for not taking at least one of the animals back to his new place but he also knew that he wasn't capable of doing that. His stomach already let him know how empty it was multiple times; his head ached, his throat and muscles were sore.

Ranboo withstood the burning of water as he swam up to the surface. He did not like what he saw there. I must have gone feral.

He slowly walked by the misplaced blocks of sand and dirt, his head buzzing trying to remember what happened. He saw deep cuts on a bark of an oak tree. I did this. I must have. He came closer to touch the markings and as he did, some scenes from the night slipped through his mind, but they were gone as quickly as they came. He sighed, looked at his hands - the skin seemed rough, but it's always been like this - and countinued to make his way to the portal to get back home.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to go there. Not because he didn't feel welcome but because he worried that he might be a threat to Phil and Technoblade. They might have dealt with worse enemies in the past, but still, the very thought of hurting his friends terrified Ranboo.

Just as he was about to fall into an argument with himself whether he should go back or not, he heard, "Ranboo?"

"Phil?"

"Hi, mate. Where you at?"

Ranboo looked around to see where the sound was coming from. He was still on the Prime Path, near the Community House, but Philza was nowhere to be found.

"Noo... A little bit to the right...," the man's amused tone and directions guided Ranboo to one of the glowstone lamps where a small grey bird was sat. It's eyes were green like emeralds, "found me."

"I always forget that," he mumbled, embarrassed, then scratched his neck, "and oh, sorry, I'm almost at the portal."

"You were in L'manberg?" a soft question came from the bird. It was actually a totem, something Phil found during one of his travels long time ago. "Yeah," Ranboo answered and started to make his way up the stairs, ignoring the remains of the Community House behind him and how looking at them made him feel.

He was glad Philza didn't ask why he was in L'manberg, "and where are you? Did you go hunting?"

"Ah, no. I was just walking around, gathering resources, y'know, basic stuff," chuckle, then a pause before the man continued, "I think we'll actually meet in the Nether."

"Oh! That's nice."

He stood in the portal and watched as the totem simply flew in and disappeared. After a second, a wave of heat hit his body; for once it wasn't that unwelcomed. He was exhausted to the point where his body was beginning to lose temperature. He never knew why - maybe it's just another habit of one of his halves.

Frustration stung him in the chest. I know nothing about myself. He followed the bird down the path over the lava ocean but instead of heading straight to the next portal, they took a turn left once they were back on solid ground and made their way down a staircase into the floor.

At some point the totem quickened and left Ranboo's sight on the next turn of the corridor. Before the boy could catch up, a flash of green light filled the hall. 

"There you are," he said when he finally reached the turn and saw Phil standing over a big crater - most definetly the remains of an explosion from a bed, "basic stuff, huh?"

"You know it," the man laughed, gave the boy a bright smile and a nudge on the ribs, then turned around to head back up. A big bag was slung over his back between his wings and Ranboo didn't even hesitate before taking it from him without asking, "Oh, thanks. But you do realize I'm not that old."

"Maybe," he raised his eyebrows, pretending to think about something deeply, then smiled at Philza, "but I'm younger than you. And at least two feet taller."

Phil mumbled something in response but he wasn't mad - the smile and laughter that came after spoke for themselves.

They made their way to the portal, then through the snowy hills of the overworld, chatting and joking around, talking about things as simple as what their favourite type of wood was. Once they arrived, Ranboo offered Phil to meet up on top of the hill near the house to finish their conversation with a company of some tea. The man smiled warmly and although Ranboo couldn't look into his eyes for too long, he saw trust and friendship in that gaze. After exchanging quick goodbyes, Philza went inside the house - quietly so as not wake up Techno who was probably asleep, like most of the time these days.

Ranboo wandered around his small place, feeling too agitated to sit down just yet. He put all his stuff back into chests, made sure Ranbun was doing fine, planted more wheat, checked on the cows, prepared a big pot of water for the tea and put it by the fire - did everything to take his mind off things. He even began bulding an underground area where he could store all his valuables. 

When the exhaustion became too much to handle, he layed down on the grass by the campfire. He was shivering, to say the least, and it caused a lot of pain. He took a few deep breaths and looked at the sky, then at Techno's house and the figure occasionally moving by the windows, then back at the sky. He watched the sparse clouds fly by, he watched as the blue turned darker and darker until it became almost pitch black. All the stars of the world gathered above the figure lying in the damp grass. Burning logs cracked in the campfire. 

When the time came, Ranboo rose up to get the tea - an item very precious to him ever since he discovered it during one of his few travels - and the boiling water, then climbed up the hill. Phil arrived few minutes later, lightly smiling as per usual, carrying two iron cups that looked like they've been through a lot. They sat down on an old log and remained there in silence for a good ten minutes. The tea was brewing; once it was done, Ranboo divided the drink between the two cups. The sky somehow got even darker as the temperature lowered. At some point Phil got too cold and moved his wings to wrap them around him. Dark feathers illuminated the starlight.

None of them knew when, but finally they continued the conversation they had to stop when they arrived at the house. Low voices, raspy from a tiring day, filled the air and danced in the sky with the wind. Torch that Philza brought served as the only source of light, but it made Ranboo feel even more comfortable. He wasn't cold anymore - he finally ate and the tea he drank slightly calmed down his strained nerves.

"Hey, Phil," Ranboo began but waited until he had his friend's full attention, "I need to ask you something."

"Okay," a spark of worry appeared on the man's face. "Ask away."

"I know Techno has those... voices in his head and that they talk to him," he was tumbling in his words, chaotically making his way through, "I've heard Techno, uh... speak to them? I can't really describe it. Sometimes, I wonder if they're nice."

Ranboo unconciously shifted a little closer to Phil, who saw the boy move soon enough to lift his left wing up and put it around both of them without making any noise. 

"Wh-what I'm getting at is that... I... I've been dealing with something like this as well." He wrapped his arms around himself, gaze fixed on the torch and nothing else. "At least I think I have. I-i... I'm not really sure if it's all in my head or..."

Weight was simultaneously lifted and placed back on his shoulders. He finally said it - but it didn't make him feel any better. He buried his face in his hands as he continued, "I don't know what's happening to me, Phil! Maybe I'm just tired and stressed, that's all, but... I can't remember anything when I-," he hesitated, then made a decision, "when I black out and... and I'm just scared, scared that I'll lose control, scared I'm going to hurt you or Techno, or Tubbo, or... anyone, basically! I don't know... I don't know what I'm-"

No more words could be said. Even if there were, Ranboo was unable to get anything through his tensed up throat. Tears started forming in the corners of his eyes; they burned as they rolled down his cheeks and soaked his palms. His tall figure curled up, wanted to collapse into itself.

He felt Philza lay a hand on his back; it was warm and spoke a comforting language. They sat there like that - Ranboo trying to regain his composure, without any effects, and Phil patiently waiting, rubbing the boy's back in a relaxing motion.

When his wing pulled Ranboo even closer, right into an embrace, the boy finally felt it's presence. He hasn't noticed it before. But when he realized that there were arms wrapping around him, soft words being spoken and a mass of feathers protecting him from the rest of the world, he let it all out. Tears soaked his face and Phil's clothes - none of them cared. He returned the embrace and wanted to say everything just through it.

"I'm so sorry, Phil, that I-"

"Shh, shut it now. Just breathe."

Somehow his accent made his words even more soothing.

Time passed as they hid behind Phil's wings. Ranboo tightened his embrace when he was at his lowest, and Philza returned the gesture.

That's about when the untreated wounds reminded of themselves - as the emotions started to leave his body, Ranboo realized he was wincing in pain. He slowly pulled away. Feathers tickled his back through his clothes.

"What is it?" the man asked softly, eyeing the boy's whole figure. "Are you hurt?"

"Yeah," Ranboo responded, carefully taking of his jacket. The sleeves were dirty from blood. He could smell it, "but I, well... that was me."

He couldn't read what Phil's expression meant. He just hoped he didn't seem like an unstable maniac to him.

"Come on, let's get you patched up," the man rose and waited for his friend, "oh no no no you're not carrying anything" he stopped Ranboo from taking the tea pot and rest of their stuff, "forget about it. I'll take this, you go inside the house. Wait for me there."

Phil sounded a little bit worried. Maybe I'm imagining things.

Ranboo carefully walked down the hill and watched as Philza flew: first to his base to return the tea pot, and then grabbed the cups and headed to Techno's. They met by the doors. Ranboo felt like he should say something reassuring - the problem was that nothing came to his mind. He was ordered to sit by the window, and from there he silently watched as Phil opened the chest with medical supplies and grabbed ingredients for healing potions.

"Is Techno still asleep?" he asked, just to break the silence.

"I think he'll wake up soon," Philza mumbled with an absent voice but it changed back to cheerful when he continued, "he's a sleepy head, you know? A fierce anarchist, but can be a lazy one."

They both chuckled lightly. It was nice to ease the tension in the room; to forget about the unspoken things between them. Even if Phil was good at hiding it, Ranboo knew he wasn't fully frank with him. Nevertheless, he wasn't going to push.

Just as the potions finished brewing, Technoblade finally showed. He slowly came down the ladder and looked sleepy, to say the least - his long hair was disheveled, bags beneath his eyes still visible.

Voice so raspy and sharp it could break wood if it wanted.

"Hello, Techno," Phil said, "how are you?"

"How do you think I am," he growled in response, rubbing his face. He didn't even spare Ranboo a single glance and instead went downstairs to get something to eat. He noticed the boy sitting by the window once he came back. He looked confused, almost as if he forgot that Ranboo has been living with them for the past week, "what happened to the child, Phil?"

"He got hurt, that's all. Nothing big but I figured it's best we get it patched up to avoid any infections."

"U-huh."

Ranboo just nodded at Philza's words. Techno sometimes (most of the times, actually) scared him - and today was one of those times. He slowly approached where the boy was sitting and glanced at the blood-stained shirt. "Let me take a look," Tech asked, although it sounded more like a demand. Ranboo hesiated for a milisecond, then unbottoned his shirt and took it off. Scabs of blood peeled away with the material. 

"Techno..." Phil began, eyeing both of them with an unsure expression, but was cut off by his friend:

"Don't worry, Phil. I'm just... looking," Technoblade leaned forward to smell the wounds. Ranboo flinched, "I've never seen Enderman wounds, especially from up close. These guys always dissapear when they die. Although... Ranboo here isn't an Enderman per se, huh?" he smiled lightly at the boy. "Don't worry, Ran, I'm not a monster. I was just curious."

He gave Ranboo a pat on the back, then grabbed his food and went outside, probably for a quick walk. That's when Phil sighed and returned to preparing the medicine, and Ranboo finally exhaled - he realized he was holding his breath this whole time.

"Sorry about that," Philza said, nodding his head at the front doors, "Tech can sometimes act... like a maniac. Don't worry." He grabbed the potions and bandages and sat next to Ranboo to treat the wounds on his right arm.

He didn't feel a thing - the burning when the potions touched his skin or when they rolled down his throat as he drank them. He was focused on the words he just heard. 

Techno can act like a maniac, sometimes.


	2. journeys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> journeys happen, words are still unspoken. cocoa helps to remember your past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from now on i'm going to be incorporating @gaecactae (on ig) headcanon into the story. the hc is from their comic, also on ig. I highly recommend you check them out! (but like, really, the're amazing.)

"Can I go? Can I please go with you guys?" Tuboo begged, "There's nothing for me to do here, anyway!"

"If you don't mind, I'd like to go, too," Eret added, voice deep as always, leaning on their big shield. "You could use a spare sword."

Sounds of the Nether Roof surrounded them; faint whispers and weird sensation that you're never really alone. Ranboo looked at Philza, then at two people standing before him. He couldn't read Eret's expression because of his glasses, but Tubbo's was speaking for itself - he really wanted to go, wanted to do anything else other than try to get himself together after L'Manberg got destroyed. 

"I suppose you can join us..." Phil finally answered, quickly rubbing his face. He looked exhausted, probably after failing to bring Wilbur back, twice. "Are you prepared for the journey?"

Ranboo stopped listening to the conversation; he couldn't get the picture of the shrine and Ghostbur's figure out of his head. The ghost sounded cheerful, energetic and joked around even when facing his "death" and it made Ranboo feel uneasy. The image of Eret's eyes - white and glowing like a torch - was still in his mind as well. The blank stare they gave seemed to easily pierce right through your soul, see all your secrets.

Ranboo carefully rubbed his bandaged arms. They still hurt but it was but a shadow of what he felt before. He backed away from the group a little to yawn without scaring anyone.

He felt his jaw open wide, almost unhinge like an enderman's one. But it was nice to stretch some muscles, even if it meant simply opening your mouth to yawn.

"Ranboo? You okay?" he heard Tubbo come up behind him. "What are you-"

He saw it in his eyes - the confusion with a pinch of fear - but was suprised to see it disappear seconds later. He used his hands to help himslef place his jaw back into its place, then gave Tubbo a weak smile. "Sorry, I just... Didn't want to scare anyone. You know, enderman stuff."

"No, it's okay," Tubbo cocked his head to the side playfully, still looking at Ranboo's mouth. His little horns illuminated the faint light of the Roof, "I've never seen it from... up close, let's say."

"Maybe because you were always busy trying not to die," Ranboo joked and they both laughed.

It's nice. To forget about everything for a moment.

Suddenly, he got a feeling like if he knew Tubbo from long ago. His face seemed oddly familiar, maybe just a little older. 

"Tub-" he wanted to ask, very confused with himself, but finally decided not to.

"All right, let's get going. Everyone!" Phil waved his arm in the direction they would be heading. "The sooner we get this done, the better." 

And so the most annoying, but at the same time, the most amusing journey began.

* * *

"That was exhausting," Eret said, rubbing her face with her hand to wipe off any sweat," fun, but exhausting."

"Yeah," Ranboo mumbled in agreement. He was starving, but the sheer thought of eating another steak made him want to puke. He took another sip from his waterskin, then caught back up with the others.

They were back on the Nether Roof, almost half way back to the ladder that would lead them downstairs, and, although they were tired from fighting and burning down the whole mansion, they didn't hesitate before running back. The sky - or something resembling it up here - slowly changed from grey to blue to red, which meant that the journey was almost over.

"Okay, I'm walking. I'm walking!" Tubbo exclaimed as he stopped to catch his breath. Diamond armor was heavier than netherite and it must have weighed on him for too long now. Although slim, he was strong, but he was bound to reach his limits sooner or later. Ranboo decided to stay with him and smiled at him widely when their gazes crossed for a moment, "Thanks, Ran."

"No problem," he shrugged, took another sip of water, then gave the rest to Tubbo, whose waterskin has already been emptied, "we're all tired. It was a long journey."

Eret and Phil slowed down and began walking few meters ahead of them.

"I enjoyed it. A nice break from the boring routine I've been stuck in for the past few days," it was Tubbo's turn to shrug, his voice a little bitter, "and a good time to see how much I suck at combat," he laughed slightly.

"I don't think you're that bad" Ranboo gave the shorter boy a nudge on the ribs.

"Maybe," another smile, "but I definetly suck at using tridents. And saving myself with water buckets."

"Don't we all?"

They burst into laughter. As they arrived by the ladder, another confusing memory of Tubbo - and, weirdly, Tommy - creeped into Ranboo's mind, but he decisively ignored it. 

They went down one by one, and there, by the main portal, they parted ways. Eret left quickly, most probably aware of the aversion that Phil had toward them. Tubbo, on the other hand, stalled. He made them go with him to the SMP, allegedly to help him get anything he might have left behind after the disastrous festival. But once they were walking down the Prime Path, Tubbo did everything to delay them - he either stopped by various structures just to stare at them (as if he hasn't seen them numerous times before) or kept on getting distracted by bees, more than he normally would.

Phil was the first one to speak up.

"Okay, Tubbo, something's bothering you," he stopped, then turned around to face him and leaned on a nearby fence, "spill it out, mate. It's just us three. You can trust us, to an extent."

The last words stung Ranboo in the chest but he didn't show it.

"Everything's fine, guys!" the boy objected even though it was clear he was lying. He realized that just as quickly as everyone else, "Okay, you're right. I'm just..." he rubbed his neck, then touched his horns like if he wanted to make sure he still had them, "stressed, I guess. Dream isn't really gone, he's just... away, which somehow puts me off even more than if he was right here, standing next to me," a heavy sigh escaped his mouth. "Tommy's been busy making himself a new armor and all that, and I'm glad he is... I think I'm just tired. With," he spread his arms out, wanting to point at the whole SMP at once, "with all of this."

Phil came up to him to give him a quick hug, then scratched his hair a little. "You'll be fine, mate. You survived all of this, you'll survive everything."

Tubbo smiled at him weakly, but he did seem to feel a little better. Philza winked at him playfully, then nodded at Ranboo, "I'll give you a few minutes if you want to talk with Tubbo."

"Thank you."

They waited until Phil got far enough to give them some privacy, then just stared at each other. Memories from the blurry past mixed with the fresh ones of the festival in Ranboo's mind - everywhere were Tubbo's, Tommy's and, sometimes, Phil's faces with different expressions. He grew more and more confused.

"You know you can talk to me if you ever feel like it," he began timidly, aware of the unspoken words and broken trust between them. He would do anything to restore their friendship.

"I know," Tubbo's smile was genuine, "but you must give me some time until I... well-"

"Of course, of course!"

There was a long pause before Ranboo finally brought himself to ask the question that has been bothering him for the past few hours.

"Tubbo... Do you know me?" he built up enough courage to look him in the eyes for a second.

At first, the boy's expression said: "I thought I did, but you betrayed me." Then it all disappeared under a wave of reverie and furrowed eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, from long ago?" 

"I-I'm pretty sure I don't," he gave Ranboo a confused smile, cocked his head to the side like always when something catched his attention. "Why do you ask?"

"I just..." he didn't really know the answer himslef. Why did I ask? "Forget about it. My memory's just confusing me," he joked to lighten the mood and it seemed to have worked.

"Like always."

"You bet."

They smiled wildly at each other, then nodded their heads.

"Till next time, Ran."

"You too, Tubbo."

Both were aware that their connection was too weakened for them to hug each other. Ranboo glanced at Tubbo as he began heading down the Path, sighed heavily, then joined Philza to go back home.

Do I know him from before?

* * *

Day later Ranboo headed out on another mansion journey; this time Techno and his hound army tagged along. 

At first he was unsure of how Technoblade would behave during the journey, given how he acted around him last time they were in each other's presence. But Ranboo's fears turned out to be in vain - Tech may have been a bit down after the loss of Edward, but once he got over it, he was back at his old self, joking around and being sarcastic. 

As they were travelling through the Roof, Ranboo noticed a spark of netherite under Tech's winter cape. He looked closer to see it was the axe he gave Techno as his 'rent bill'. He smiled widely. 

They came back two days later, half of the hound army gone, their armor and boots worn out. Philza was away somewhere, so it was just the two of them in the house. For once, Ranboo didn't feel uneasy being alone with Technoblade. It seemed that the journey brought them a little closer - or something along those lines.

"Want some hot cocoa?" Ranboo heard as he was trading with one of the villagers in the basement. Tech didn't bother coming down the ladder and just poked his head through the trapdoors, his braided hair following his movement. "Don't know about you but I'm cold and all."

"I would love that, thank you," he smiled at him, then went back to trading. Once all the enchanted potions were bought, he splashed them on his armour and weapon. It wasn't even slightly enough. He sighed, packed his stuff and went upstairs where Techno was standing by the stove and warming his hands. "Did you enjoy the journey?" he asked as he put down his backpack and sat by the window.

"Yeah. It's nice to commit some arson from time to time," he massaged his hands, brought them to his neck, then back over the fire, "although I get more and more disappointed every time I visit a mansion. These guys suck," he turned around to face Ranboo and smiled, "and so does their loot."

"Apart from the totems."

"Of course, apart from the totems."

They waited silently for the cocoa to be ready; Technoblade put something warmer on and sat by the stovetop, and Ranboo began stretching. "Stop being so tall," the man murmured playfully as he watched him lean forward to reach his toes, "maybe then you'll actually touch the ground."

He chuckled in response and realized something: Techno might like him, or at least like him enough so as not to kill him everytime they meet. It was a heartwarming realization and he couldn't help but smile.

When the cocoa was ready, they went outside to sit down on the bench and watch the sunset. Techno was kind enough to give Ranboo Phil's fluffy blanket; it was so big that even his whole tall figure was covered. He curled up into a ball, meanwhile Technoblade strechted out his legs and layed them on the railing in front of him. Steam coming from the mugs warmed their faces and hands. 

"You're alright, kid," Techno suddenly said, gaze still fixed on the sky. The steam surrounding his face made him look mysterious, "and you're pretty brave. You didn't seem like it when we first met."

"When we first met, I was peer pressured, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember," they both laughed. "But as I said before, I can relate. So no hard feelings."

"Thank you for... for these kind words. A-and letting me stay here," he answered once he got hold of himself; he was suprised and still couldn't believe what he's just heard, "I know people my age can be very annoying."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I've lived with Tommy for almost a month," for a split second, Tech's expression changed from relaxed to hurt, although Ranboo didn't notice. "I... I survived him, I'll definetly survive you. Plus, Phil's with us now. Thank the lords for Philza."

Last words managed to put a light smile back on Techno's face. The cocoa slightly cooled off for them to take a few sips. It was not too sweet and slightly bitter, smooth and still hot enough to spread waves of warmth through Ranboo's body. He wasn't sure if he ever tried it, but he loved it now.

Suddenly, there were memories violently appearing before his eyes. Young Tommy, barely a toddler, asking young Ranboo not to eat him. His tear splashed onto Ranboo's hand and he hissed in pain, slightly backing away. "Are you hurt by my tears?" There was fabric underneath them, two other boys sharing the bed with Tommy. Purple particles surrounded them as Ranboo grabbed Tommy's hand and they teleported...

"Ow, my head..." he set down his cup, hands already pulling on his hair. His head was buzzing; foggy memory of the situation he's just saw still visible before him even when he closed his eyes. It wasn't nice. But the fact that he had those visions was way worse.

He regained his composure rather quickly, then reached for his cup. He tried to ignore Techno's confused and worried stare. He took a sip of cocoa.

And it happened again.

"Okay, stop," Technoblade grabbed Ranboo by his arm and shook him slightly. "Snap out of it, now!"

"What's happening?" 

Philza. Where did he come from?

"He just drank cocoa, Phil! And now he's... I don't even..."

"Cocoa?" Phil kneeled before Ranboo's seat; the boy was hiding underneath the blanket and breathing deeply, trying to stay calm. He wanted those things out of his head. "Ranboo? What's going on?"

His voice was gentle and comforting. Ranboo wished they didn't have to see him like this.

"Cocoa can boost your memory, sometimes. Is this what's happening?"

Phil's assumption was the best explanation he could think of. Ranboo just nodded his head. There was no pain: just incoherent phrases and faces he somehow recognised.

"Is there anything you see?"

Another nod.

"Tubbo. Tommy," he managed out, rose his head and looked and Technoblade, confusion visible in his gaze, "Techno. Everyone's young."

He pulled on his hair, then tried to massage his temples. It didn't really help. "I'm so tired of all of this, Phil..." he whined quietly. Philza exchanged worried looks with Technoblade. They were communicating in some way that Ranboo didn't understand.

"Are you in pain, Ran?" Techno asked.

"No, I...," he struggled to find the right words, "it's just very confusing... A-and frustrating..." Burden. "Why don't I remember anything about my past? Why can't I remember?!"

"Let's go inside first, okay?" Philza grabbed Ranboo's arm and helped him up. They went upstairs where he and Techno slept. There were bookshelves everywhere, two big beds on the opposite sides of the room and a bell hanging from the ceiling by the window. Ranboo has never been here before - or maybe he has and he just couldn't remember. A weak lopsided smile found it's place on his face.

"Why did you bring me here?" he asked quietly.

His cup of cocoa was placed in his hands.

"I think it's best you drink it" Phil said, voice hoarse. He was tired, not mad. 

"But... But you saw what it does to me," Ranboo opposed. Faint steam and sweet smell surrounded his face like a ghost, "I-I'm not sure I wanna experience that again."

"Okay now," Techno took a step forward from his place by the wall, "I'm gonna ask you a question: why do you first complain about not remembering anything, and then neglect the chance to change it? Even if just for a few minutes?"

"It's not like-"

"It is like that to me, kid!" he leaned over and their gaze met. Technoblade's eyes were dark grey, almost black, and seemed to see everything; his bottom fangs and scars on his face were very clearly visible. Some of his pink hair fell out of his braid and tickled Ranboo's chin. "You keep on denying yourself - over and over again! And then you act suprised when that causes problems." He backed away. He looked frustrated. "You must make peace with your past, Ranboo. Whether you remember it or not."

He went downstairs and seconds later the main doors were opened - Techno must have went outside. After a minute he could be seen through the window, walking through snow drifts and frozen ponds. 

Phil got up and watched Tech for a moment. Then he looked at Ranboo. His expression was unreadable - one big puzzle.

"I wouldn't use words Techno did," he muttered, scratching his neck, "but I agree with him. You need to face your past." He walked to the ladder and began going down but stopped when only his face was still visible. He smiled lightly at the boy sitting on his bed, wrapped in his favourite blanket. "Your past doesn't define who you are right now. Remember that for me."

And Ranboo was left alone. Cup of cocoa waited in his hands; it cooled off even more and was barely luke warm.

He tried to think about what Technoblade and Philza told him. You keep on denying yourself! Your past doesn't define who you are right now.

They were right. Ranboo felt weak and stupid. There was no point in arguing.

Cocoa filled his mouth and went down to his stomach. It still tasted nice. He layed down on the bed; he felt like he was sinking into the mattress. His tail wrapped around his leg.

And then he was flooded.

He wanted to fight them at first - that's what all of his instincts were telling him to do - but he managed to resist and let the images appear before him. He just wished for them to be coherent, to create a story that made sense and didn't confuse him.

He didn't recognize who he saw - it was a little boy, probably two years old, in a damp cardboard box falling apart before your very eyes, left in the middle of a forest. A plushie he was holding was supposed to be a bee but it was too dirty to be sure. Young Ranboo approached the box, carrying a handful of berries. Grass beneath his bare feet was cold and damp; wind whistled in the trees. A storm was coming. 

He murmured something comforting in Enderman as he fed the child. He let it play with his hair for a moment, but once the berries were all gone, he left. Now it was his time to eat.

He went back into the woods, then, once he was far enough from the box, teleported. As soon as he regained his conciousness and stopped feeling dizzy, he felt snowflakes tickling his skin. It was so cold they weren't melting. He looked around, found a spruce forest nearby and headed there. His pointy ears were picking all the sounds around him, his tail held low so as not to give away his position to other creatures, his hair dancing with the wind and snow. A tall slim figure in a snow desert. 

At some point a rumble echoed through the air and that's when Ranboo knew he wasn't going to catch anything that night. Again. Another mumble, a frustrated one, escaped his lips as he went deeper into the forest. 

Suddenly, he saw something through the trees: a light, maybe fire, or at least something shiny. He stopped in his tracks when a thought came into his mind: danger. Dangerdangerdanger. Run. In spite of himself, he came closer - carefully climbed up a nearby hill and hid there under an old tree that's fallen over. 

It was a house and, as far as Ranboo could tell, a nice looking one. There was smoke coming from the chimney, figures moving by the windows. 

Humans.

Those of his kind that spoke to him, told him about them - malicious creatures that like water and kill Endermen for their eyes. So it was obvious that as soon as Ranboo recognised who the inhabitants of the house were, he should run. But he didn't - instead, he sat there and watched in awe. These humans seemed so happy together: a tall blonde man with a funny hat on was moving around the main room with another boy, probably a piglin or a hybrid of one, and their laughter could be heared even from where Ranboo was hiding. 

They seemed nice. And most importantly, they didn't seem dangerous.

But you never know until you see for yourself, said a shy voice in the back of his mind. And so he left, his mind puzzled.

He promised himself to come and watch them again. He needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the support! in reward i shall gift you with less angst (this time). andst is just my thing


End file.
